Skewed Serendipity
by Schyzotypal X
Summary: Rachel realizes that Puck isn't very good at the whole 'romance' thing.-twoshot-PuckRachel-
1. Chapter 1

**Skewed Serendipity**

Rachel isn't quite sure what to say. It _is _St. Valentine's day, a day of love and beauty and wonderment. A day of romance. If Rachel had had a boyfriend she probably would have expected something like a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. If she had been more popular she might have expected a note or two from a secret admirer. But she doesn't have a boyfriend and she isn't popular at all, so the things Rachel _does _expect are a slightly more romantically themed slushy facial and some sort of perverse version of a valentine from that nerd who keeps on trying to sniff her hair.

She's always one to live up to expectations of course.

The slushy is bright red and cherry flavored and the large red stains it leaves on her jacket match the pink of her blouse. The valentine is just as bad as she thought it would be, a metallic gold thong stuffed haphazardly into the vents of her locker. She picks it up with her fingernails and tosses it into the nearest waste receptacle. Her personal bottle of sweet pea hand sanitizer is so nice to have in these sort of situations.

What Rachel doesn't expect out of her Valentines Day however is to have something smoldering and brown and slightly lopsided shoved into her face during lunch.

At first Rachel wonders if Puck is into modern art and this is his latest interpretive project. She can't imagine what on earth it's supposed to represent though. Probably something along the lines of dirt clods.

With this in mind she says in a chipper voice. "It certainly is shaped nicely."

Puck looks up from his sneakers to stare at her for a second, eyebrow cocked and mouth slightly open in his trademark. "Are you stupid" look.

Rachel pouts, unsure of what to say next.

The silence stretches, ticking by in minutes.

Finally Puck manages an, "It's for you." His voice is strangled, somewhere along the lines of gruff and sexy gone very, very wrong.

Rachel's eyebrows shoot up and her smiles slides a little. "Um…I do a appreciate the thought Puck, and I do think that it's a very expressive piece. But you see the decorum in my room is completely wrong for it…giving it to me would only diminish its overall aesthetic value."

He raises both eyebrows, pursing his lips in that familiar disapproving fashion. "What?"

Rachel nods gently towards his art piece. "You're work, I mean, I do feel flattered that you would give it to me but I don't think that my room is exactly the right place for such a…distinct piece. I really do think it's wonderfully crafted. You certainly have lot of passion."

Puck frowns, forehead crinkling to a peak. "Look. Do you want the cookie or not cause I have no idea what you're talking about."'

Cookie? Rachel frowned cocking her head to the side to examine the _thing._

She leaned forward, almost out of instinct, sniffing at it once. It smells of vaguely edible, vaguely being the operative word.

On closer inspection Rachel sees that the 'cookie' as Puck had called it holds something akin to a heart shaped appearance when looked at from the right angle. The red smears she has mistaken for paint are actually a heavily smudged "Be My Valentine?" in wobbly, frosted, red writing.

Rachel's eyes widen. "You _baked_?"

"Yeah I fucking baked!" Puck snaps.

Rachel nods slowly. "I knew that. I was just…joking…"

Puck huffs, breath smelling of cigarette smoke and take-five gum. "Do you want the fucking thing or not?"

Rachel winces, resisting the urge to reprimand him for his language. For a brief moment she considers starting up a cuss jar for the glee club but she realizes all to fast that Puck was more likely just to filch from that anyway.

Now Puck's rubbing the back of his neck with one hand, the other still proffering the baked good. There's some sort of ugly red rash that's breaking out all over his face. It's blotchy and growing intensely more red by the second. Rachel opens her mouth to inform him of the rather alarming outbreak, wondering if he's allergic to something they put in the lunches today.

With a gasp she snaps her mouth shut, eyes widening to dinner plate proportions as she stares at him.

He's blushing. Noah Puckerman is _blushing_.

It's like watching some sort of depraved Japanese science fiction movie. This is _Puck_ and Puck blushing is just so...so _wrong._

He shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot like a gawky middle schooler on his first date and all Rachel wants for him to do is _stop._

She reaches out, gingerly taking the cookie from Puck's hands. They are sweaty and damp and Rachel shudders. Quickly she brings it to her mouth, taking an unwilling bite. It tastes like brunt flour and salt and something along the lines of sugar. Rachel chews, struggling to swallow the cookie. The texture is pretty close to that of gravel and Rachel shudders at what this will do to her delicate esophagus.

Nevertheless she manages to smile, swallowing again with a pronounced. "Mmmmmm."

Puck looks at her as if she is stupid. "Yeah. Whatever." He turns without a word, leaving her alone in the cafeteria with a bad taste in her mouth.

It is later that day that she sees him stalking down the hall, he barely casts her a glance as he passes. He's all wretched attitude and football now. The epitome of bad ass.

"Happy Valentines Day Puck!" Rachel calls after him, voice blithe and overly affectionate. He continues walking, back only stiffening for a second, but Rachel can see a group of hive-like red blotches begin to creep up his neck.

Rachel smiles.

**End.**

**

* * *

**It took me so long to actually get around to writing this. I had planned the entire thing out around spring break and now it's already summer!

Anyway, hope you enjoyed this. Reviews and criticism are always welcome.

-Schyzotypal X


	2. Chapter 2

**Skewed Serendipity**

**Realizations and Revelations **

Quinn realizes something is wrong when she catches Puck doodling hearts all over his notebook in study hall. They aren't particularly nice hearts in her opinion, all of them carry that overdone punk look that Puck is such a big fan of. Still, they are _hearts,_ girly symbols of love and mush which Puck usually doesn't' come near with a ten foot pole, much less draws on his notebook next to his politically incorrect comics of Ms. Sylvester.

One heart in particular catches his attention. It's hideous, the left side is being ripped open by what looks like a cross between a scorpion and a spider but the other side is taken up by what looks suspiciously like R+N 4EVER in deceptively and disturbingly curly writing.

She finds herself feeling a bit concerned over the entire thing. For her ex mostly she feels a bit put off by the imagery of his hearts. Kids have been called into therapy for less after all. But then again Ms. Pillsbury isn't the toughest cookie on the plate and under the pressure of Noah Puckerman she would probably crumble.

For Rachel she feels considerably more anxious, Rachel is in need of a healthy, non-fucked -up relationship after the fiasco with Finn and if there's anyone to give it to her it probably isn't Noah Puckerman.

Still, Quinn loves a show, and with those two she's bound to get one.

She decides to wait before taking action on the issue.

* * *

His teammates realize something is kind of screwed up with Puck when they find what seems to be a male version of a Cosmopolitan magazine stuffed into the bottom of his locker underneath his playboys.

Even worse is the fact that the particular issue contains a rather long article titled "How To Romance a Girl Who's into Showmance".

What really gets them is when one of the guys flips to the listed page to find the entire article to be carefully highlighted and underlined, with a few annotations made in the margins in Puck's chicken-scratch handwriting.

Sure most of the annotations are either, "might get me laid", or "queer to the max", but the point is that he actually bothered to make _notes_ at all, rather than say, drawing penises all over the page.

Everyone decides that it would be better not to confront there already sketchy friend on the matter. The magazine is placed back in it's spot at the bottom of Puck's locker, the Playboy's, however, are not.

* * *

The rest of the Glee club begin to realize something is seriously wrong with Puck when one day Mercedes and Kurt walk into the club room for an early rehearsal and find a rather flamboyant looking Puck singing something along the lines a screamo version of "How Do I Live Without You" . At least that's what Kurt thinks it is before Puck switches to some of the lyrics from "Take On Me" at which point the realizes that Puck is just a fucktard that comes to music that doesn't involve at least three shrieking guitars in the background.

Both Mercedes and Kurt are unsure of what to do at this point. Sure they want to rehearse but Puck is just so _into_ what he's doing. He prancing around the room like a spastic twelve year old on crack and even though every other move he does is a pelvic thrust, Kurt definitely sees a true passion and meaning behind his dance. Kurt never interrupts a man when he's _dancing_, it's just against his principles.

Finally they both settle on backing out of the room, slowly so as not to draw Puck's attention

Once, they're out they tear down the halls, racing to tell everyone in the club (except Rachel and Finn of course) of their discovery. They don't get the reaction they hope for. You've got to see Noah Puckerman dancing to believe it.

Santana mumbles something about practicing grinding and Brittany backs it up with her own comment on how he might be trying to attract birds or something.

* * *

Finn realizes his friend is getting weird when he gets to school early on Thursday to find Puck, desecrating one of the schools flower bed.

Usually this wouldn't be so uncommon, vandalism and Puck go together like peanut butter and jelly. What sets him of is the colorful bundle of uprooted flowers next to the flower bed.

There's dirt and roots at the bottom, with a myriad of bugs crawling out of them, but the point is it's a bouquet. Puck making a **bouquet, **with _flowers_**. **The only explanation that Finn has for this is the world ending.

It's a really horrible bouquet too. Finn has picked up some things from Kurt on style during the large amounts of time they spent together due to their families' moving in together. During that time Kurt managed to put him through a crash course on flower arrangement. He had also taught Finn how to sew, match colors to complexion, and apply eyeliner.

Finn can practically hear Kurt's dramatic "bleeech" at the appearance of Puck's flowers, followed by a long tirade on proper floral presentation. Finn shudders and carefully makes his way into the school, trying not to catch the eye of his friend.

* * *

Rachel is of course the last to realize anything.

Her epiphany comes with a bouquet of ugly flowers shoved into her face. They smell like dirt and pesticide and Rachel's first instinct is to swat them out of her face. Instead she steals herself and takes them into her arms, repressing a grimace as she feels oily leaves and stems rub against her white blouse, staining it. She turns her grimace into a show smile in a matter of seconds, years of training making her bared white teeth look sincere and kind.

Puck of course sees right through it. He scowls petulantly. "What? You don't like 'em?"

Rachel shakes her head, smile faltering. "N-no. They're lovely, really! But…it's just, why did you give them to me?"

Puck raises one eyebrow, piercing glinting in the fluorescent light. "I thought that you'd want 'em. It's like our three week anniversary after all."

Rachel nods emphatically. "Of course, you're so right! I agree with you one hundred percen-wait, what anniversary?"

Puck shrugs a bit, looking lost. "Well aren't couples supposed to celebrate all these stupid things when they first get together and stuff. I mean…that's what those other girls wanted from me when I dated 'em."

Rachel nods slowly, fearing any sudden movement will cause Puck to implode. "Oh. So…wait. We're together?"

Puck grouses, that ugly rash of a blush beginning to crop up again. "Y-yeah, that's what I thought…when you took the cookie from me on Valentines day."

Rachel thinks back, remembering the two days she spent in bed with food poisoning more than any sentiments about Puck's cookie. Still she nods and smiles. "Oh yeah…so I guess we are together."

This explains all those odd trips to late night rock concerts and monster truck rallies that Puck had been dragging her to for the last few weeks.

Puck reaches for the flowers. "Look, if you don't want 'em then I can just go set them on fire or something in the back."

Rachel clutches the bouquet to her chest, more out of fear for the school grounds than feelings towards the tacky, dirt covered flowers. "No. That won't be necessary! They're really…nice…really!"

Puck nods, shifting uncomfortably in his leather jacket and staring at the floor.

Rachel sighs, deciding that being a bumbling idiot when it comes to romance can be filed under cute when it comes to Puck. She leans forward, going on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. Her terrible depth perception causes her to miss completely so she ends up slobbering on his nose a bit but it's the thought that counts.

Puck does some sort of unspeakable bending with his knees to get to the exact height for their lips to meet and they kiss for real. That's still pretty awkward because neither of them are very experienced with the entire kissing thing. Rachel because most boys are rather oblivious to her show-woman's charms and Puck because he hasn't actually _kissed_ a girl since twelve. He's made out plenty though and when time for Rachel to learn he'll be a _very _willing teacher.

They draw apart in a few seconds, both a bit weirded out by the entire kissing thing. That is how they stand for a few moment, Puck slouched and rubbing the sweat on his palms off on his jeans and Rachel examining the remains of the bouquet, which was crushed between them during the preceding event.

It is right before the bell rings that Puck finally speak.

"So I was wondering if we could have a threesome at some point."

The bell rings and they stand for seven minutes without talking to each other, people filing around them.

Once all of the people are gone, Puck opens up his mouth to apologize. Rachel cuts him off with a knowing smile. "It's okay. Let's just take it slow for now, okay?"

Puck nods dumbly and Rachel smiles, turning to run to her next class.

There is a trail of crumbled dirt and crushed petals behind her.

* * *

So I just finished watching the season finale of Glee and I was hit by a sudden wave of inspiration. I've also become acutely aware of those two dudes in Glee club that are never mentioned ever. You know the ones; Matt Rutherford and Mike Chang, the two guys who seem just to be there for the sake of nice looking background. Are they ever really gonna do anything with them?

Anyway, I'm rambling, hope you enjoyed the story.

Reviews welcome.

-Schyzotypal X


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